It was white port that put that look in his eye,
Grown men get when they need to cry.
We sat down on the curb to rest,
And his head just fell down on his chest.
He says: "Every single day it gets,
"Just a little bit harder to handle and yet. . ."
-Guy Clark
I've been walking around today with that look in my eye. Maybe it was staying up too late talking with friends or maybe it is leaving on Monday. I don't know. but there is that hollow feeling I have that makes me nervous, apathetic and lonely.
People ask about the move and they get the RIGHT answer. "Oh we're real blessed to have such great jobs and it's really neat to be moving into a house. It's amazing the way things all fall into place" but sometimes you just get worried. What if everything falls apart. what if Sugarland is a disaster and we hate our jobs or if i'm horrible at everything.
I think when i was in the midst of studying for all of the exams, there wasn't time to contemplate or worry and i was so relient on God that it kept me close to him. but now i have time to think and the ability to take control back and like usual it gets harder to handle. I am looking for the "and yet". the bridge back to faith and reassurance but I don't know that I really want it. It seems so often that the bridge comes with a condition attached to it. that God wants "this" in exchange for "that". I don't know what the "this" is. It's easier when you are involved in some overt sin rather than just drifting away from closeness. well, it's not really easier but it is definitely more apparent, easier to see what you are supposed to do to get things right. for the semanarians reading, i know that "we" do not make things right but that God has made things right... and maybe that is truly important, more than just a get your doctrine straight importance. maybe it is important to me, right now, that God has made things right. that even though He carried me through all of those horrid exams and I promptly went from reliance to disinterest, that Christ follows me.
that he pursues me. even knew that I would do that and still helped me. that he loves me just as much now as when he was so available during those "reliant" times.
why do we act like this whole Faith thing is easy? we are always quick to act like we have it figured out. Always quick to pretend that we have it all together and that if you don't have it all together that you are weak in your faith. I think that part of having faith like a child is believing in a God that you haven't figured out. nobody understands less and asks more questions than a little kid and the leaders in the church today show little of this, I am including pastors, youth workers and myself in this. When was the last time you heard a spiritual leader truly confess and repent? what pride and arrogance we have developed that makes a bumper sticker "christians aren't perfect just forgiven" necessary? why is that sticker necessary, because our actions as a church show the opposite. our attitudes reflect a holy Christian not a crucified Christ and i am just as guilty of it. I am still wrestling with this move and I am scared of losing the friendships that i have with fellow youth workers and it sucks leaving students. I am going to miss lunches at Gattis and slushes at Sonic. I have tried to steel myself against that and in a way tried to block out those feelings but I can't do that and don't want to.
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It really really sucks when a good friend leaves. But then it even starts to suck more after you relize their gone and not going to be coming back. Its almost as if theres this big black hole inside and trying to cover it up, push it away or filling it with something else just dosent cut it. But then as time passes by and you begin to be able to lift your head, even if its just long enough to cathch a glimps of light, a glimps of goodness and hope you begin to move on and time starts to heal what was once broken and thought to be unfixable. Its not easy letting go of somthing that has become a big and comfortable part of your live. Its not easy to come to terms with the fact that the friendships you once thought of strong and unrockable are now beging to change and slowly but certinaly are starting to dissolve. When you leave and now are among strangers instead of the familiar and loving surroundings you begin to become afraid and loose heart. But dont! Your going to be ok everything will turn out. Think back to your reasons for being there in the first place. Sometimes to gain and strengthen one relationship between someone you dearly love means to weaken or even let go others. But not all. You still have your family for whom I know love you and will never stop. Not to mention you dear friends in both SA Ausin and where ever else. I wish you could see in yourself the thing that I and so many others see. You are such an amazing person J. You have continuisuly filled me with awww. I hope that you end up loving your new job, house, friens ...life. I love you dued.
-Brudi
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