a butt-print no more

typical weekend for the couch in our living room involves my fat butt firmly attached to it, a cold Lone Star attached to my left hand and the remote control in my right. Sports to Guy Movies to Sports. This routine would be unbrokend were it not for church, lawn mowing and the rare shower and teeth brushing. And so goes the weekend.

For a change of pace and more importantly, some extra cash, I started delivering pizzas Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. I figured it was an easy way to pay back those student loans and maybe drop some lb's in the process. What I didn't expect to recieve was the wonderful source of material.

Just a teaser for things to come...
I'm doing a ride along with this guy finishing up college. White as white can be. He points out this Escalade that was jacked up higher than Michael Irvin. He lays it out for me "man...that's dope! I'm gonna get me a Escalade like dat! That's how I roll."

Nice guy, but there is a difference between a gang-banger from Compton and a short white kid from Greatwood.

was this anyone i know?

Star Wars dorks hurt themselves with fake lightsabers.

save for the wrath of K

I would not have anything to talk about...save for the wrath of K
I would not be posting anything...save for the wrath of K
I would be heading home right now...save for the wrath of K

two things before I do just that:
First, PHX-SA series is by far the best this year. The Spurs are being challenged and are responding like champions. those young bucks for Phoenix are coming at them and it makes for good inside-out basketball. The Spurs could definitely be playing better defense and the neighbors are tired of hearing me yell "PUT A HAND IN HIS FACE!!!". But it's been great games.
Final reason this series is better than Seattle and Denver: better looking fans... Dang those Seattle fans were ugly!

Second, I'm starting this 30 day test thing. Bear with me here... I wrote down my goal on one side of a 3 X 5 card. It reads "BE A GREAT FATHER AND HUSBAND". On the other side it reads "ASK AND YOU SHALL RECIEVE, SEEK AND YOU SHALL FIND, KNOCK AND THE DOOR SHALL BE OPEN TO YOU". I am going to spend the next 30 days focused on that goal and not allowing any negative thoughts to take over and kick me down. Hourly, I'm going to check myself to make sure that I am still on track and if I get off track, I'm going to start the 30 days over again. We'll see how it goes.
I know that the above verses are specifically speaking about Jesus being given to you when you seek him. But I think, as a Christian, this goal IS seeking more of Jesus. Seeking him to be more apart of my relationship with my wife and daughter.

who's important?

talking with a guy who is on the cusp of getting married and it never fails that no matter how independent a man is, when it comes down to popping the question, guys need advice. face it, marriage proposal is scarier than Jack Bauer with a frayed electric cord.

So we sat and talked over some Dos Equis.

He is more than ready to marry this girl. He knows she loves him and what's more he knows he loves her. No doubt in his mind that they are ready to make (and have made) sacrifices for each other. Financial stability not an issue at all and they are already sharing an apartment together.

His main concern is being able to give her a ring that is 3 months of his salary. Big Rock. Shiny Metal. Whole Shmear.

I know this guy and I know his heart and I understand that he wants to show his future bride how much he loves her and the ring is a big part of that for him. He wouldn't want for his bride-to-be to have anything to be embarassed of, instead have everything to be proud of when it comes to their relationship.

My advice to him: His commitment to her and vow in marriage is more important than the size and price of a ring. Let her be proud that you are proud to call her wife and that she can hold her head up in front of her parents, her church, her God. A woman's heart is not bent on gold and diamonds, those are a fallback position when they don't think their true treasure of love and respect can be obtained.
ladies, call me out if I'm wrong. fellas, pay attention.

...but i still love technology...

a tribute to my wife who has had the distinct displeasure of being married to me for four years as of today.

You are a saint with either a strong desire for punishment or incredibly bad taste in men. maybe both.

As the wordsmith Adam Sandler once said "Sorry I'm not better looking"

On the road

Every Monday and Tuesday night I find myself driving down a certain stretch of I-10.
I-10...that beautiful tribute to frontierism and trade. A "no-frills" approach to traveling, this highway won't slow you down with pretty scenery or wildflowers. Even the gas stations and eateries know that you need to get back on the road, so they avoid delaying you with the temptations of comfort and sanitary restrooms.
Eagle Lake, Schulenberg, and Columbus, I know thee well.
Gonzalez, and Luling, you are my friends.
Frank's and Buc-Ees, what would I do without you?
Your urine soaked restrooms, smoke-laden hallways and grease-stained tile floors... Your fading lights in my rearview make a smile pierce my lips.

Where will you be this night, Mr. DPS patrolman?

But then there is Katy. Sweet effervescent Katy, with her Bass Pro Shop and Super-Sized Walmart, she calls out "almost home...another night almost over"

Mussberger

how terrible was the announcing last night?!?
If brent and gotee boy could have done a worse job, I don't see how.

a good surmise of last night: The Spurs really missed an opportunity tonight and failed to get the basics done. Mainly, their free throw shooting and stopping the pick and roll. Really dissappointing in a fundamental team. A 5 foot jumper in the lane to win the game? Duncan HAS TO make that!

Brent's summary: Well after 2 games the Spurs were looking to possibly sweep the Sonics and now this could be a remake of Lakers' comeback from last year?

Another example:
Manu drives the lane and gets closed lined by Collison.
Brent's take: Well it looks like an offensive foul. Yep, there's (Manu's) arm flying.

And speaking of people too ugly to be on TV (Collison), the Seattle fans look like they ran through the forest of ugly and hit every tree. However, props to the Sonics big men. They came in and got real physical and hammered us. We sat around and waited for calls that weren't there. That is not championship basketball.
The Spurs will finish out the Sonics in the next 2 games and perhaps, last nights rough-up was the best thing for this finals bound team.

little pig

this whole basketball season, everybody has been talking about these GREAT teams and the NBA commercials show every thug-rapper-"just give me the rock"-wanna-be. The announcers droning on and on about SKILLZ and the run and gun.

Where are you now? Why are you not talking about those guys now?

Since when did strange concepts like "discipline" and "defense" become important in basketball? It's slamma-jamma and in your face and don't forget about the bling bling!

Now the announcers are shrugging their shoulders and saying "the spurs just have too many ways that they can hurt you" almost like "I'm sorry mam, but the cancer has just spread too fast. I wish there was something we could do."

"well it looks like it will be the Heat and the Spurs in the championship" uncoded: It's pretty bad...but there is one last measure we could try and you have 50/50 chance...

The truth is that the NBA is hemorrhaging fans. Normal working men that grew up with Larry Bird and Dr. J. They want to sit down and watch a game with good team play and strategic coaching. Two teams fighting it out and putting their egos aside to WIN THE GAME. Not 10 individuals out to get the stats and the highlights and the commercial contracts. Win the game? yeah, that would be good too.

Okay, well I made through this entire entry without mentioning the way that the biggest sissy in sports completely got rewarded this entire last game by getting call after call after CALL!!! Apparently, the the referees have decided that playing defense against Ray Allen is a foul in and of itself. AND if i hear one more talking head mention how HARD Allen is for battling back and playing with a bum ankle...I will have to gouge someone's eyes out...so help me...even if they're my own! at least I wouldn't have to see that cute little smirk that he gets across his widdle face every time he gets a call because the big-bad Bowen huffed and puffed in his general direction.

Well, I almost didn't mention it.

save you some time

The Spurs did actually just finish AND win the first round of their playoff series against the Nugg-ettes. I wanted to ease your concerns in case you were searching for information on this at ESPN and were unable to find ANYTHING.
There is an article about how great Nugg-ette Star Carmello Anthony is and how he will be pretty much unstoppable next year.

by the way he looked really unstoppable last night in the 4th quarter when he cried like a little girl because his wrist was hurting him. Good luck working on your scary game face during the off-season Carmellow.

Next up: Sonics.

Happy Hour

1 for 3. doing appointments in San Antonio yesterday and 1 out of 3 people actually did not cancel. Nice.

So instead of griping and complaining, unusual for me, I ate lunch with my mom and grandma (Happy). I realized how long it's been since I've sat down with family and it wasn't at a reunion or holiday. It was like coming home from college and sleeping in your own bed.

The warm fuzzy feelings soon turned to chagrin as my mom starts telling bra stories and then Happy intros a story with: "Jason, this might embarass you..." So I decided it was time to get a refill.

When I get back, Happy tells me about how her and Papa (pronounced Paw-Paw) went out dancing the other night...at an old folks home! Both of them are in 70's and in great shape, so how did they end up dancing a jig with the artificial hip crowd?
Answer: They went to a funeral.

Yeah, they went across town to a funeral and when they got there and said who they were there to see, the director told them that they were a day late. "Oh we know that he has already passed away, we're here for the funeral." Director unammused, "Exactly, You missed the funeral by a day."
So my grandparents, decide to go see a friend of theirs that plays in a band and that band has a weekly gig at this old folks home.

Only my grandparents start the night off going to a funeral and end up boot scootin' with geriatrics.

I've been noticing a trend and it seems like Happy and Papa are always going to funerals and nursing homes to visit. Granted it's because a greater number of people that they know are passing away, but sometimes it's for people that they really aren't that close to. I have 2 theories on this.

1. As people age, death becomes more real and aging is an unescapable reality. In order to cope with the innate fear and other emotions that would acccompany this realization, people spend more and more time getting acquainted with the process. Like a young couple driving through neighborhoods looking at homes or befriending a couple with young kids so that they can peer into their own future and see what's down the road. A catharthic measure of sorts.

2. An unconscious piling up of karma. By visiting people in their old age, they envoke a what-goes-around-comes-around cycle and they will in turn receive visitors to their old folks dances and ultimately fill the pews at their funeral...as long as everybody shows up on time. (texas cooking does not condone nor endorse any beliefs in karma)

Of course, my grandparents are the most loving and unselfish people I know and really my thoughts are a projection of my own manipulative nature. As a kid, any time I visited Happy, we would always visit the older people she knew and bring them some kind of gift. the greatest gift of course was her time and indellible smile.

I guess the only question I still have is when old folks do the electric slide does it involve greasing the wheels on their motorized wheelchairs?

correspondence

Greg Morrison wrote:
what's the significance of 1947 in your e-mail address? was that just a number assigned because 1,946 other people tried to use texas@yahoo.com? or was there some important event in Texas history that year?

jason maroney wrote:
actually, that's kinda right. guy clark has a song Texas 1947 and it is about the first time a streamline train ran through Texas (Monihans, Texas to be exact...a gas station near a giant dirt mound named Swelled Pig's Teat and not much else)
most people get pretty confused by the name and that is reason enough to keep it for me

Greg Morrison wrote:
wow. not every day the phrase "swelled pig's teat" shows up in my inbox. or, anywhere else for that matter. I can't say my life feels incomplete for the lack of it, but it's good to have that mystery solved.

jason maroney wrote:
it was pretty funny becasue we were driving to a mission trip in new mexico and we were in the middle of no-where-flat west texas and this giant dirt "thing" loomed in the distance. As we got closer to it i'm thinking in the back of my head "gosh that thing looks like a pig's teat only kinda swolen" we pull into THE gas station (as in the only gas station for 200 miles) and the lady who ran the place (the only resident and sign of life in Monihans as far as i can tell) and asked her what they called the dirt mound. and she looked at me and said "swelled pig's teat" and I swear to you greg morrison...she said it with pride.
true story.

twenty-flippin-four

it was a night to plant your behind on the couch... not unlike many other nights, but this night was special.
Prez Palmer is back in the saddle and the world feels safer. Chloe puts down the machine gun and gets back to the computer...(props to the Josher for calling the "tension" between Chloe and Edgar... sick out. Jack takes out a flippin' embassy. Take that ChiComs!
If that were it...great tv night! But oh no there's so much more:
Rockets lose to the Mavs at the buzzer with the ball in TMac's hands. The Spurs, meanwhile take the series to 3-1 on the Mini-Thug Nuggets. Is it just me or do they remind you of high school thug basketball players... oh wait, that's the entire league except for the silver and black...and maybe the Jazz.
Thugs aren't allowed in Utah.
No foreign fruit or corn-rows.

Look for the Thuggets to implode and get real physical, but hopefully the Spurs can get a call every now and then back at home. Either way, Duncan closes the series 4-1.
p.s. do you hear that sound? it's the silence of the Don't trade Malik crowd now that Nazr is kicking butt.

that's my dawg

Alicia and I have been thinking about getting Malin a dog for her birthday so we have been checking out animal shelters and classified ads. If it's one thing I've learned through this it is that DOGS ARE EXPENSIVE. DOLLAR BILLS Y'ALL.
Back in the day, rescuing a dog was like 30 bucks now it's ninety. NINE-ZERO. For some dog that wasn't good enough for somebody else. I understand that those uppity-top of the line pet shop dogs or those $400 side of the road "AKC" dogs are gonna pull some dough but these dogs didn't make the cut for some other family. bark too much. pee on their floor. chew on the sofa. whatever.
Free market economy says that those dogs should be sold for a major discount. Ugly ones for even cheaper. No discernable breed? half off. Pees all the time? 75% off. Always trying to bite your in-laws? ehhh maybe pay a little bit more for that one. (just teasing. love ya Lisa!)
Now if the $90 was the total cost, maybe that would be such a big deal. but then we would need to pay a pet deposit and we don't even know if the landlord would allow us to have a dog or how much she would charge us! Then you gotta buy all kinds of dog products and fancy chew toys AND food. mutt would probably want to eat every day!! And those chew toys...why not just buy an extra pair of dress shoes so that the furry chewing machine can go ahead and do the inevitable. Stock up on Febreeze and Carpet cleaner.
After all that and knowing that I will be the one to clean up the poo and take the dog for a walk and food and water... ultimately, who can say no to this:


You see my dilemma.
Everything worked out in the end because Malin needs these orhtopedic inserts that cost crazy money so after trapsing all over Katy and Houston and searching for mutts all over the web... She's gonna get a fish. a boring, swim, eat and poop fish.
Cest la vie

pretty much the worst officiating ever

the officials suck for the spurs nuggets game.
I would like to gouge out their eyes with those yellow corn-on-cob holders.